2005-12-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, AN ANALYSIS...

You all know the song, right? Someone's true love is sending all these gifts, right? It actually sounds more like what you might receive from a bitter ex. It all sounds nice until you run the final tally after all 12 days:

12 drummers drumming

22 pipers piping

30 lords a-leaping

36 ladies dancing

40 maids a-milking

42 swans a-swimming

42 geese a-laying

40 gold rings

36 calling birds

30 French hens

22 turtle doves

12 partridges in pear trees

First of all, your house is now filled with 184 birds. Assume each of the maids had a cow to milk. That's 40 cows. Imagine the cleanup of bird shit and cow patties. Not to mention, with the threat of Avian flu, and all those birds, you might have your very own pandemic.

THEN, you've got all the people. You've got a combined 64 drummers, pipers, and lords, and a combined 76 dancing ladies and milking maids. Forget Christmas, you've got Spring Break on your hands. You know there's gonna be a Maids Gone Wild video coming out of all this. Not to mention, what are they all gonna eat? You can cook up the cows, hens, geese (and eggs), partridges, and you've got pears. That's it for 140 people. Sounds like you're gonna have to make a run to Sam's Club for a lot of those 10-pound bags of chicken wings, since you won't get but 60 wings off your hens. Speaking of which, did the Republicans ever try to rename the French Hens "Freedom Hens"? Just wondering.

All this, for 40 gold rings. Unless you're a gypsy or a pimp, what in the world are you gonna do with 40 gold rings? Unless you open a wedding chapel in Vegas for the lords, pipers, drummers, ladies and maids, where they might need wedding bands in a hurry.

Now, let's talk cost...Fortunately the fine folks at PNC Bank have put together the CPI, or Christmas Price Index. You can look at it here. It would run you $18,348.87 to bring all this havoc upon yourself, and your true love.

After all this, you'll need a 13th day, where you can have 13 shrinks a-shrinking...

2005-10-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

ONE FOR THE SLOTH

Apropos of absolutely nothing, here's a picture of Hillary Duff on a forklift...

FORKLIFT